A Real-Life Fairy Tale....I Mean Marriage

 When Spencer and I met, I was 27 and happily single. Seriously, he kind of threw a kink in my whole independent woman thing. In fact, I almost bailed on the date. I didn’t really want to go on another Tinder date (shocking, I know, because most of the dates people get from Tinder are SO great!). I vividly remember wanting to stay home and watch Revenge.

That girl feels like ages ago. It wasn’t even really that long ago. But when I look back, I hardly recognize her, and also miss her. She was really self-assured (or at least pretended to be), independent (well, actually jaded and didn’t want to let anyone in), and didn’t answer to anyone or anything (ah, the dream!). I often tell Spencer that he met me at my best. Unfortunately for him, I am an ever-evolving human; so when you meet someone at their best, there isn’t really anywhere to go from there but down.

This isn’t a pity blog, so just follow me here.

I will admit, I didn’t know much about marriage before agreeing to spend the rest of my life with Spencer. Let’s be real though, if someone presented you with the diamond he presented me with you’d have a tough time saying no! Haha, kidding kidding! It was 99% husband, 1% diamond. Ok, fine! 95/5. That’s as low as I’ll go.

I wish I had talked to more of the veteran wives before I embarked on this journey. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t have changed my mind, but it might have changed my expectations. My parents (married at 19 and 21) always told me that they grew up together. I didn’t really know what that meant. Especially in my early 20’s; I pretty much thought that meant “we partied together!” Looking back, that’s probably not the message my parents were trying to impress upon their daughter. Noted.

No, what they meant is that they evolved together. You may marry someone today and be married to someone entirely different 5 years from now (and I don’t mean because you have remarried, obviously). I think back to who I was at 20, 23, 25, 27, 30; each one of those women are different people to me.

This can feel like a lot of pressure. I know Spencer stood up and vowed to me and God that he will always love me. I truly think he will. But, what if he doesn’t like who I become? I feel like I’m going through an intense growth spurt in life, and every night my legs are aching from the growing pains. I feel like every morning I wake up having grown a little more and am a little different. What’s going to happen in 10 years? Who will he turn into? Will we still be compatible?

I am not that 27 year old anymore. We don’t spend our evenings drinking champagne from wine glasses making (really awful) buttercream frosting. Now, we put a baby to bed, make a balanced dinner, watch TV and pass out by 9pm. I love this stage we are in, but I can’t deny it’s different and that there are times I miss those nights where we ordered pizza and binge watched House of Cards until we couldn’t keep our eyes open.

Now, I am a 30 year old working mom. I rely on him, maybe a little too much. I still don’t have much energy to go on dates, but it’s because I’m exhausted most of the time. Self-assurance has gone out the window to make way for the ever-present mommy guilt.  And instead of being that independent girl who doesn’t answer to anyone, I am resentful because I have very little time for myself, and I am defiant with a “screw it” attitude which leads to selfish behavior.

Hey, I said he met me at my best. I’m definitely not at my best now, but I’m working on it.

Maybe we didn’t meet and marry at 19 & 21 like my parents (thank god, he would have HATED me back then), but I think we’re still growing up together. I still want to grow old together, too. I want to grow old and up and never apart. This season of marriage is murky and messy and hard to navigate. We are two people who choose every day to be married.

Don’t get me wrong, we are extremely happy together still, but neither one of us can deny the shift since Eva has arrived. We love her and when the three of us get to hang out and she’s not screaming at us, my heart is so full it could explode. I love being her mom. I love Spencer is her dad. I love our little trio of love.

But I know I miss that 27 year old girl some days….and I can’t help but wonder if Spencer misses her too.

Ask me again in 10 years, though. Who knows where we’ll be? I do know one thing, though, we will still be together, growing up, older, and closer.