Reflection
I'm going to admit something: I have a total love/hate relationship with this blog.
Let me start with the bad news and go to the good news...
I hate it because I post some really sincere moments and thoughts on here. I let people into my soul on here. I don't sugarcoat, so all of my ugly is out there for people to see. But more so than just to see, it's out there for people to judge. To discuss. To snicker behind my back. To analyze me when I'm not there to say "wait, you've got it wrong." I'm not playing victim here, I know that much like a Kardashian I'm putting it out there for everyone to read (ok, ok, I'm not even as popular as the baby Kardashians, but you get the idea). It's scary.
After my last post, I watched the page-views number skyrocket. I looked at my stats and people were reading past posts that I didn't share on facebook. People were reading about the hardest things I have struggled with. It was terrifying and I've never felt so insecure.
On the other hand, I've never felt better. It freed me. My truth is out there now and people can take what they want from that. I have an explanation for why I've been such a miserable person to be around. Maybe people will think twice before judging my weight gain-- or even better, talking about someone else's weight gain or loss because they have no idea what that person is going through.
The other great part? I heard from a lot of people who let me know I'm not alone, which means maybe by reading my blog they didn't feel so alone. We are a little club of crazies who can support each other and pray for each other, and most of all, accept each other. We aren't alone in this. To me, that's fantastic news because the worst part this past year has been feeling completely and utterly alone.
Depression, anxiety, and eating disorders have a way of sneaking into the darkest parts of your soul. They make you feel like no one understands you. Like, if you were to unleash this secret you'd have no one. So, you push everyone away first instead of letting them see you for who you are and leaving you.
But that's just the disease talking. In reality I've never felt more supported. The friends that I've told before the blog post have supported me. They encourage me. They listen to me and don't seem to judge me (at least to my face.....but my insane fear of people not really liking me is a post for another day). Because of that post, I grew closer to a family member I've always loved, but who took the time to tell me I'm not alone and that she loves me and prays for me. My close friend from Indiana sends me (at least) weekly texts reminding me that I am loved. I got a letter from a friend from my past that shared her story with me too, and we remembered why we ever got along in the first place. That's a lot more than I ever dreamed of coming from a blog post that was essentially an emotional rant.
I've created my own accountability with God because of that post. I've publicly admitted that I neglected my relationship with Him. That I took control over my own life instead of listening to whatever He was trying to teach me. Though, if I'm being honest, I think I know the lesson- it's the same one He's been teaching all of my life. The reminder I have tattooed to my own wrist, that I've so carefully covered up with a watch the past year. To let go. To remember He's got this. It's not in my control.
So, to those who read this and simply wanted to know my dirty little secrets- I hope it did you well. I hope you got whatever you needed. Maybe you wanted to see something on social media that proved we're not all traveling and making a billion dollars a year and living fairy tale lives. Maybe you were genuinely interested, and in your own time you say a prayer for me. Maybe you read it and didn't feel so alone. Maybe you read it and felt like you invaded my personal life. I don't know.
What I do know is, as much as I hate the ugly parts of me, the are still parts of me. Parts God made for a purpose. I won't be in this season forever. Just like I wasn't in my heartbreak before I met Spencer forever. I also wasn't in my blissful season forever. Eventually, this season will change and I'll be the one picking up the pieces for someone else. I'll be the understanding one. And maybe someone will reach out to me because I share these parts of me. I don't pretend to have the picture perfect life. I am, as the bible says, perfectly imperfect. I'm finding that's a lot better than perfectly perfect.
Let me start with the bad news and go to the good news...
I hate it because I post some really sincere moments and thoughts on here. I let people into my soul on here. I don't sugarcoat, so all of my ugly is out there for people to see. But more so than just to see, it's out there for people to judge. To discuss. To snicker behind my back. To analyze me when I'm not there to say "wait, you've got it wrong." I'm not playing victim here, I know that much like a Kardashian I'm putting it out there for everyone to read (ok, ok, I'm not even as popular as the baby Kardashians, but you get the idea). It's scary.
After my last post, I watched the page-views number skyrocket. I looked at my stats and people were reading past posts that I didn't share on facebook. People were reading about the hardest things I have struggled with. It was terrifying and I've never felt so insecure.
On the other hand, I've never felt better. It freed me. My truth is out there now and people can take what they want from that. I have an explanation for why I've been such a miserable person to be around. Maybe people will think twice before judging my weight gain-- or even better, talking about someone else's weight gain or loss because they have no idea what that person is going through.
The other great part? I heard from a lot of people who let me know I'm not alone, which means maybe by reading my blog they didn't feel so alone. We are a little club of crazies who can support each other and pray for each other, and most of all, accept each other. We aren't alone in this. To me, that's fantastic news because the worst part this past year has been feeling completely and utterly alone.
Depression, anxiety, and eating disorders have a way of sneaking into the darkest parts of your soul. They make you feel like no one understands you. Like, if you were to unleash this secret you'd have no one. So, you push everyone away first instead of letting them see you for who you are and leaving you.
But that's just the disease talking. In reality I've never felt more supported. The friends that I've told before the blog post have supported me. They encourage me. They listen to me and don't seem to judge me (at least to my face.....but my insane fear of people not really liking me is a post for another day). Because of that post, I grew closer to a family member I've always loved, but who took the time to tell me I'm not alone and that she loves me and prays for me. My close friend from Indiana sends me (at least) weekly texts reminding me that I am loved. I got a letter from a friend from my past that shared her story with me too, and we remembered why we ever got along in the first place. That's a lot more than I ever dreamed of coming from a blog post that was essentially an emotional rant.
I've created my own accountability with God because of that post. I've publicly admitted that I neglected my relationship with Him. That I took control over my own life instead of listening to whatever He was trying to teach me. Though, if I'm being honest, I think I know the lesson- it's the same one He's been teaching all of my life. The reminder I have tattooed to my own wrist, that I've so carefully covered up with a watch the past year. To let go. To remember He's got this. It's not in my control.
So, to those who read this and simply wanted to know my dirty little secrets- I hope it did you well. I hope you got whatever you needed. Maybe you wanted to see something on social media that proved we're not all traveling and making a billion dollars a year and living fairy tale lives. Maybe you were genuinely interested, and in your own time you say a prayer for me. Maybe you read it and didn't feel so alone. Maybe you read it and felt like you invaded my personal life. I don't know.
What I do know is, as much as I hate the ugly parts of me, the are still parts of me. Parts God made for a purpose. I won't be in this season forever. Just like I wasn't in my heartbreak before I met Spencer forever. I also wasn't in my blissful season forever. Eventually, this season will change and I'll be the one picking up the pieces for someone else. I'll be the understanding one. And maybe someone will reach out to me because I share these parts of me. I don't pretend to have the picture perfect life. I am, as the bible says, perfectly imperfect. I'm finding that's a lot better than perfectly perfect.
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