I'm So Excited the Wedding is Almost Here (and it's probably not why you think)

I haven't been shy about my life for the most part. You can read back through this blog and see I'm pretty candid about my experiences. I struggle with depression and anxiety. This year I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I've had about 2874 jobs in the past 2 years. I am a strong Christian struggling to balance the teachings of the bible and my own moral beliefs about the world today. I'm pretty much an open book.

Except, I'm not.

What you haven't all seen over the past 2 years is the real struggle. I've shown you snippets. I've made light of a lot, or brought to light some of the issues people are scared to talk about. I haven't been real though. I'm ready to be real now.

Our wedding is approximately 77 days away (but who's counting?). We have an 18 month engagement with gave me plenty of time to plan and prioritize. Honestly, overall it's been a pretty pleasant process with a few bumps in the road. I don't mind the planning- I'm good at planning. I'm organized. I can make an itinerary like it's nobody's business. Wedding planning is a piece of cake (or pie, if you're interested in the dessert we've chosen for the big day). I am not an overwhelmed bride (though, if you ask me at the wrong time, I'll probably tell you I am and that I wish I had eloped.....I may be organized, but I'm still human after all).

Around the 90ish day mark it hit me, I'm not just planning for a wedding, I'm getting married. Apparently I'm a little late to the game to just realize that. I go through spells where I am beaming because of how lucky am I to get to marry this man. This man who is my very best friend, and who knows me better than anyone in the world- seriously. This man who has dried a lot of tears. Who has graciously agreed to sit in the middle seat on flights for the rest of his life because I have flight anxiety and need to sit in the aisle. Along with those moments of pure bliss, comes moments of pure panic.

Let me back up a little here, though. Over the course of our engagement, I've struggled, a lot. I moved in with someone for the first time in my life. We fought (fight)....a lot. We fight over laundry, food, finances, schedules. You name it, I can pick a fight over it.

Then, on top of planning a wedding we had the bright idea to build a house together. It's done, we're all moved in, and its gorgeous, but my goodness it was the biggest stress I've ever experienced. Most people only deal with mortgage companies for a month or so because they're buying a house that's already built- we dealt with them scrutinizing over everything having to do with our finances for 5 months. Because of my student loan debt, we were right on that edge where if we overspent we could lose the house. It was a lot of pressure. Not to mention as much fun as it was to pick out colors and put together my dream home- what if I made a mistake that couldn't be fixed? So. Much. Pressure.

Over the course of our engagement I've also held THREE jobs. The first two were miserable. I'm not a big corporate girl (I have learned this, now). I was in global organizations of 10-30k people. I was a minnow. I cant count how many days I came home crying because of those jobs. It wasn't until May of this year that I finally found a place I feel at peace and like I am valued.

So, whats the problem then, right? New house, great job, amazing husband. Believe me, I searched my soul long and hard for what that problem is. Because despite having everything I've ever prayed for- I have been fighting, hard, with God. We're barely on speaking terms.

If you've kept up with this blog, you'll know I was diagnosed with an eating disorder this year along with body dysmporhic disorder. It's something I've probably had since I was a middle schooler, and it gets bad when I'm stressed, but wasn't diagnosed with until now. I haven't really chatted with God since (except when I'm yelling at him).

Even before the diagnosis (and the therapy, and the dietitians and the fights over getting my scale back), I wasn't really worshiping God. Spencer eventually learned to stop asking me to join him at church on Sundays. It started to draw a gap between us. I can't count how many times he's asked me how things are going with me and God and I've rolled my eyes at him and ignored the question.

It hasn't been until recently that I've pinpointed why I've been so mad. I have everything I've prayed for and so much pain that came along with all of it. So many fights with Spencer. I thought finding the love of your life was supposed to be a little work, but mostly love? So much stress with the house - how am I supposed to make a home for my family when I can't spend any money (even now, it's so expensive to just decorate!)? So much stress with work - I am still constantly looking over my shoulder to see if people are taking mental notes of anything they think I'm doing wrong so they can throw it in my face later (pretty sure that's PTSD from my last boss, because my boss here is nothing short of kind and understanding). All the while, I'm seeing everyone else so happy in life, moving forward, doing great things. I've been stuck in this perpetual anger (and getting fatter what feels like by the second thanks to my awesome disorder-- let's not even talk about the stress of fitting into a wedding dress!) because I have everything I want and God decided to throw curve balls. It hasn't exactly felt like blessings on my end.

So (circling back) at the 90 day mark, my hard heart finally started to soften. I can't tell you how often I cry lately (seriously, everything makes me cry- happy, sad, silly, everything). It's like all this anger is finally starting to fade. There's a light at the end of this stress tunnel. There's a man waiting for me at the end of an aisle, and a cabana in Antigua to spend a week in with him. It may have been stress-free planning, but it hasn't been stress-free.

I'm finally accepting I am going to have a new role as a wife. It's not an easy pill to swallow. I went from strong, single, and independent, to dating, to engaged, to cohabiting, to making life decisions, to wife. I'd love to meet a woman who can handle all this and not have a nervous breakdown. I may be thrilled to spend my life with Spencer, but I'm terrified of the responsibility of being a wife. I am sad to change my last name (yes, yes, I know I don't HAVE to, but I am going to). I am dreading that last moment I have with my dad before he gives me away. I'm scared because after the party is over, I'm someone I've never been before.

Most of all, I'm lonely because I haven't had the courage to accept God's plan and lean on him through this. I am prideful because I thought I could do it on my own. I am a huge sinner, and I'm disappointed in how I've treated Him when I needed Him the most.

This is why I'm so excited to have the wedding over. To me, the past (almost) 18 months have been a whirlwind of sadness. I'm finally starting to let God back into my heart. I am finally feeling somewhat comfortable in my own skin (or at least not so angry at the diagnosis anymore). I am finally breathing a sigh of relief. I am finally FEELING again, and not numb out of anger.

No one warned me all this comes along with a wedding. I wish someone had. I'm not sure it would have changed anything, but maybe I wouldn't have felt so guilty. Or maybe I would have had someone to confide in. I guess putting this out there for you all to read is my way of letting others confide in me. I surely don't have the answers, and I am by no means on the other side- but I am close, and I'm always willing to listen, even if all you want to do is yell at someone else instead of God.