How My ADHD Diagnosis Has Changed My Life
Since getting my formal ADHD diagnosis earlier this year, I've spent a lot of time working with my psychiatrist getting my medications just right for me. I've also spent a lot of time researching the diagnosis because, to be honest, it still baffles and fascinates me a bit.
First let me say, we seem to have settled on a nice blend of medicines that keep me going all day and avoids the typical stimulant crash at the end of the day. It turns out I metabolize the stimulants really fast, so the "all day" pills only last me until about noon, then I need a little boost around noon that lasts me through the rest of the day. It has taken quite a while for me to get the dosage right. I've gone from not enough, to too much (so much so that it made me depressed because the crash was so bad), to this. I feel like Goldilocks with a controlled substance. Also, I'm pretty sure CVS has me on some sort of watch list at this point. Though, I have safely discarded all of my unused medicine because I'm a grown up and thats what we do ha!
Since finding the right dosage I cannot explain how much better I feel. I'm not exhausted all of the time (well, I am but it's more normal parent exhaustion), I lose my temper less, I am less addicted to my phone, and I no longer need the TV on at night to get me to sleep. I was actually complimented by my therapist this past week because I haven't weight myself in well over a month, and there was a point I wondered where I am at, then thought to myself "no, don't go looking because if that number isn't what you 'think' it is, you'll just get depressed" and I moved on. That number still has some power over me since I know it will get me depressed, but I don't have overwhelming anxiety because I don't know what it is. I've also stopped taking any mention of food, calories, fat, "good food/bad food" personally - which I used to always think any of those comments were underhanded remarks at me.
The biggest difference I have noticed, though, is my depression - it has been non-exinsistant! For the first time since I was 22, I am actually weaning off my depression medication! I can't believe that I have been on (and off and then definitely back on) these medications for almost 10 years and likely didn't actually need them.
The depression has led me to dig and dig even more into ADHD research. My anxiety, depression, and disordered eating/exercising manifested because the ADHD went untreated for so long. Even if I chose not to take medication for it, it would be important for me to work with a professional to develop ways to cope and manage it so that I could live the most "regular" life I can.
It's interesting to me that doctors immediately go to SSRIs when a patient mentions depression. It makes me wonder how many other disorders are out there that will manifest themselves into depression when left untreated. For ten years I've been on and off these medications, increasing dosage constantly because I just could not feel better. There were times I wondered if this is just how I was going to feel for the rest of my life. Thankfully I had already come to terms with the idea that I will be on medication forever because it's the only way to make me feel somewhat normal, but I had no idea that medicine would be Adderall, and not zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, or some other SSRI.
ADHD manifests itself in so many other ways than is commonly known. For me, I have learned that it was why I would snap in an argument and yell rather than take a step back and assess, I would obsess over things people said and be SURE they were criticizing me, I would be completely exhausted all day every day because my brain and body were working so hard to release the dopamine I needed and wasn't getting, and food was an obsession because it was something I could control (until the impulsivity of it all would lead to a binge). In reality, the only time I feel actual anxiety (which is a feeling of actual fear) is when I'm on a plane, all those other times I was just unable to sit down and panicking - it was overwhelm. I haven't felt overwhelm to that degree in months and I know it's because I'm on this medicine. In fact, Eva showed signs of Hand Food Mouth yesterday, and instead of panicking and fearing that we are on another roller coaster of illness, I let my friends with kids know, I called the nurse line to be sure her doctor didn't want to see her (she sometimes still wants me to bring Eva in even for viral things after Oct-January), and I handled it. Don't get me wrong, I'm tired and my patience is low, but that is a normal feeling for a parent.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel the best I have felt in years. I have my days and my moments but everyone does, and thats what's so great - I still feel emotions and I still feel like a human, I just needed some medicine to get me to a place of normalcy.
So, if you ever went to your general doctor or OGBYN or whoever, and they quickly wrote out an Rx for Zoloft or another SSRI and you're not feeling better, consider seeing a psychiatrist. They specialize in this stuff. If it hadn't been for mine, I don't think I would have ever felt this good. You have to advocate for yourself and keep pushing when things don't feel right. Your primary care doctor is your go-to in all things viral, blood work, and general medicine. Your OBGYN is the person who you trust to keep your baby and your reproductive organs healthy; he/she may be able to identify postpartum depression, but he/she specializes in women's health not mental health. You would not go to your primary care doctor for a heart attack or cancer, so don't try to go to them for your mental health.
Keep pushing. It took me a really long time to figure it out. Sometimes I get sad thinking of how life would have turned out had I figured this out sooner (though, my life is pretty good so I'm not complaining too much), how much suffering I could have avoided. But, I'm here now and I know what to look for in my own daughter to help her avoid this, or any other disorder she may have.
It may not be ADHD that is wreaking havoc on your life, but it also may not just be depression. If you're finding that medications aren't doing anything and you're just getting larger and larger doses, then keep pushing- it can be better.
First let me say, we seem to have settled on a nice blend of medicines that keep me going all day and avoids the typical stimulant crash at the end of the day. It turns out I metabolize the stimulants really fast, so the "all day" pills only last me until about noon, then I need a little boost around noon that lasts me through the rest of the day. It has taken quite a while for me to get the dosage right. I've gone from not enough, to too much (so much so that it made me depressed because the crash was so bad), to this. I feel like Goldilocks with a controlled substance. Also, I'm pretty sure CVS has me on some sort of watch list at this point. Though, I have safely discarded all of my unused medicine because I'm a grown up and thats what we do ha!
Since finding the right dosage I cannot explain how much better I feel. I'm not exhausted all of the time (well, I am but it's more normal parent exhaustion), I lose my temper less, I am less addicted to my phone, and I no longer need the TV on at night to get me to sleep. I was actually complimented by my therapist this past week because I haven't weight myself in well over a month, and there was a point I wondered where I am at, then thought to myself "no, don't go looking because if that number isn't what you 'think' it is, you'll just get depressed" and I moved on. That number still has some power over me since I know it will get me depressed, but I don't have overwhelming anxiety because I don't know what it is. I've also stopped taking any mention of food, calories, fat, "good food/bad food" personally - which I used to always think any of those comments were underhanded remarks at me.
The biggest difference I have noticed, though, is my depression - it has been non-exinsistant! For the first time since I was 22, I am actually weaning off my depression medication! I can't believe that I have been on (and off and then definitely back on) these medications for almost 10 years and likely didn't actually need them.
The depression has led me to dig and dig even more into ADHD research. My anxiety, depression, and disordered eating/exercising manifested because the ADHD went untreated for so long. Even if I chose not to take medication for it, it would be important for me to work with a professional to develop ways to cope and manage it so that I could live the most "regular" life I can.
It's interesting to me that doctors immediately go to SSRIs when a patient mentions depression. It makes me wonder how many other disorders are out there that will manifest themselves into depression when left untreated. For ten years I've been on and off these medications, increasing dosage constantly because I just could not feel better. There were times I wondered if this is just how I was going to feel for the rest of my life. Thankfully I had already come to terms with the idea that I will be on medication forever because it's the only way to make me feel somewhat normal, but I had no idea that medicine would be Adderall, and not zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, or some other SSRI.
ADHD manifests itself in so many other ways than is commonly known. For me, I have learned that it was why I would snap in an argument and yell rather than take a step back and assess, I would obsess over things people said and be SURE they were criticizing me, I would be completely exhausted all day every day because my brain and body were working so hard to release the dopamine I needed and wasn't getting, and food was an obsession because it was something I could control (until the impulsivity of it all would lead to a binge). In reality, the only time I feel actual anxiety (which is a feeling of actual fear) is when I'm on a plane, all those other times I was just unable to sit down and panicking - it was overwhelm. I haven't felt overwhelm to that degree in months and I know it's because I'm on this medicine. In fact, Eva showed signs of Hand Food Mouth yesterday, and instead of panicking and fearing that we are on another roller coaster of illness, I let my friends with kids know, I called the nurse line to be sure her doctor didn't want to see her (she sometimes still wants me to bring Eva in even for viral things after Oct-January), and I handled it. Don't get me wrong, I'm tired and my patience is low, but that is a normal feeling for a parent.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel the best I have felt in years. I have my days and my moments but everyone does, and thats what's so great - I still feel emotions and I still feel like a human, I just needed some medicine to get me to a place of normalcy.
So, if you ever went to your general doctor or OGBYN or whoever, and they quickly wrote out an Rx for Zoloft or another SSRI and you're not feeling better, consider seeing a psychiatrist. They specialize in this stuff. If it hadn't been for mine, I don't think I would have ever felt this good. You have to advocate for yourself and keep pushing when things don't feel right. Your primary care doctor is your go-to in all things viral, blood work, and general medicine. Your OBGYN is the person who you trust to keep your baby and your reproductive organs healthy; he/she may be able to identify postpartum depression, but he/she specializes in women's health not mental health. You would not go to your primary care doctor for a heart attack or cancer, so don't try to go to them for your mental health.
Keep pushing. It took me a really long time to figure it out. Sometimes I get sad thinking of how life would have turned out had I figured this out sooner (though, my life is pretty good so I'm not complaining too much), how much suffering I could have avoided. But, I'm here now and I know what to look for in my own daughter to help her avoid this, or any other disorder she may have.
It may not be ADHD that is wreaking havoc on your life, but it also may not just be depression. If you're finding that medications aren't doing anything and you're just getting larger and larger doses, then keep pushing- it can be better.
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