Basic: New Year's Eve Blog
As another year comes to a close, I, like pretty much everyone else, am reflecting on the last year. The highs, lows, mediums, and the are-you-freaking-kidding-mes. My social media feeds are flooded with #BestNine2017, resolutions, good riddances, and stories of the past 365 days.
Turning that calendar page can feel like a fresh start. A deep breath. A shower after a really crazy night out. Sometimes, turning that page is hard because it means saying goodbye to someone or something, it's realizing you're one day further from what you once held so close.
I've experienced both of those in the past. I remember welcoming 2012 with open arms after the mess that was 2011. I was sad to see the end of 2014, the year I decided to marry Spencer and moved in with him and finally knew that feeling I had hoped and prayed for for so long. I remember being so excited for 2017 after 2016 gave me Eva, and looking forward to all the joy ahead with this new human in my life.
Fast forward to December 31, 2017. I'm not sure how I feel this year. If I look at the last quarter of 2017 it was tightly packed with are-you-freaking-kidding-mes. October, November and December brought challenge after challenge for us. When I take a step back, though, I realize that was only 25% of the year. I am desperately eager to leave this season behind us in 2018, but I can't say 2017 wasn't without it's beautiful highs as well.
2017 taught me what it really means to be a wife. This may sound odd because you'd think it would have taught me what it means to be a mom. But no. With the addition of Eva, I saw my husband in a whole new light, and respected him all the more. I watched him hold our precious girl with worried eyes when she was sick, read to her almost every single day, develop little inside jokes with her, and wake up the majority of weekends to the sound of her cries and greet her with nothing but joy. I watched him as he carried me through postpartum depression, and made space in his life and our budget for me to always have the means for self care. I watched him complete his graduate program to further his career to continue to take care of me and Eva. He is quite simply one of the most selfless people I've ever met (the ying to my selfish yang). He modeled what it means to be a partner, and because of him, I now know I need to be for him what he is for me. I learned that I am the one with the work from home job because in order for him to succeed, he cannot be home taking care of Eva every other week with her never-ending illnesses. I learned that sometimes I have to take a step back and let him have some time and money for self care, too. I've learned that what I can do to provide for our family are those wifely duties I used to think stripped me of my identity and freedom, because the simple truth is that I have the time to do them and he does not.
2017 allowed me to watch the world through the eyes of a child. The look on Eva's face when she went to the aquarium for the first time was something I will never forget. She was so entranced by those fish. I have belly laughed over the silliest things because of her. I've been reminded of the pure bliss of sugar when it is a treat, and not something to distract me from a busy life.
Eva also helped me understand the love my parents have for me. The excitement she has when I pick her up from daycare warms me to my core, and I imagine thats how my mom and dad felt when I'd walk off the plane in Indiana and cry and run into their arms after I moved away. I now know how my dad felt when he slept on my bedroom floor when I had a really bad ear infection when I was a kid- I used to think it was a chore he did, but I doubt that's how he saw it. I understand how much they had to sacrifice for me. I see, now, why my mother still insists on texting me every 5 minutes when I'm sick to check in on me. Now, more than ever, I see how hard it must have been/be to see me hurt and how much restraint it takes to allow me to learn how to make it better myself instead of just fixing everything for me.
2017 brought a new appreciation for my friends in all walks of life. The mommy friends who listened to me cry, who gave me advice, let me talk crap about my husband one minute then listened to me gush about him the next. The childless friends, whether by choice or not, who love my daughter no matter what and who do their best to be there for me in whatever way they can whether it's by offering to babysit or taking me out for a night of drinks (even if I am in an uber home by 10pm). The fellow mental-health friends who let me text them when I have a breakthrough or a set back and know the right questions to ask or understand if all I need is quiet.
If I wanted to, I could look at all the hard times in 2017 and chalk it up to a shitty year. If I tracked "big events" close enough, there are probably more negative than positive. But those little moments of love, grace, and friendship add up to so much more than the big events. If 2017 was the electoral college, Negative Events were California and New York, but the positive moments made up all those tiny states and took the W*.
So, while I hope 2018 is a little easier on us, especially compared to the last quarter of 2017, I am bittersweet about turning that page. What a blessing it has been to watch a little baby grow into a toddler and see all the tiny golden moments of joy that have spiderwebbed from it.
Happy New Year, everyone!
*this is a metaphor only. it does not reflect my views about who took the W in the 2016 election and was brought into office in 2017.
Turning that calendar page can feel like a fresh start. A deep breath. A shower after a really crazy night out. Sometimes, turning that page is hard because it means saying goodbye to someone or something, it's realizing you're one day further from what you once held so close.
I've experienced both of those in the past. I remember welcoming 2012 with open arms after the mess that was 2011. I was sad to see the end of 2014, the year I decided to marry Spencer and moved in with him and finally knew that feeling I had hoped and prayed for for so long. I remember being so excited for 2017 after 2016 gave me Eva, and looking forward to all the joy ahead with this new human in my life.
Fast forward to December 31, 2017. I'm not sure how I feel this year. If I look at the last quarter of 2017 it was tightly packed with are-you-freaking-kidding-mes. October, November and December brought challenge after challenge for us. When I take a step back, though, I realize that was only 25% of the year. I am desperately eager to leave this season behind us in 2018, but I can't say 2017 wasn't without it's beautiful highs as well.
2017 taught me what it really means to be a wife. This may sound odd because you'd think it would have taught me what it means to be a mom. But no. With the addition of Eva, I saw my husband in a whole new light, and respected him all the more. I watched him hold our precious girl with worried eyes when she was sick, read to her almost every single day, develop little inside jokes with her, and wake up the majority of weekends to the sound of her cries and greet her with nothing but joy. I watched him as he carried me through postpartum depression, and made space in his life and our budget for me to always have the means for self care. I watched him complete his graduate program to further his career to continue to take care of me and Eva. He is quite simply one of the most selfless people I've ever met (the ying to my selfish yang). He modeled what it means to be a partner, and because of him, I now know I need to be for him what he is for me. I learned that I am the one with the work from home job because in order for him to succeed, he cannot be home taking care of Eva every other week with her never-ending illnesses. I learned that sometimes I have to take a step back and let him have some time and money for self care, too. I've learned that what I can do to provide for our family are those wifely duties I used to think stripped me of my identity and freedom, because the simple truth is that I have the time to do them and he does not.
2017 allowed me to watch the world through the eyes of a child. The look on Eva's face when she went to the aquarium for the first time was something I will never forget. She was so entranced by those fish. I have belly laughed over the silliest things because of her. I've been reminded of the pure bliss of sugar when it is a treat, and not something to distract me from a busy life.
Eva also helped me understand the love my parents have for me. The excitement she has when I pick her up from daycare warms me to my core, and I imagine thats how my mom and dad felt when I'd walk off the plane in Indiana and cry and run into their arms after I moved away. I now know how my dad felt when he slept on my bedroom floor when I had a really bad ear infection when I was a kid- I used to think it was a chore he did, but I doubt that's how he saw it. I understand how much they had to sacrifice for me. I see, now, why my mother still insists on texting me every 5 minutes when I'm sick to check in on me. Now, more than ever, I see how hard it must have been/be to see me hurt and how much restraint it takes to allow me to learn how to make it better myself instead of just fixing everything for me.
2017 brought a new appreciation for my friends in all walks of life. The mommy friends who listened to me cry, who gave me advice, let me talk crap about my husband one minute then listened to me gush about him the next. The childless friends, whether by choice or not, who love my daughter no matter what and who do their best to be there for me in whatever way they can whether it's by offering to babysit or taking me out for a night of drinks (even if I am in an uber home by 10pm). The fellow mental-health friends who let me text them when I have a breakthrough or a set back and know the right questions to ask or understand if all I need is quiet.
If I wanted to, I could look at all the hard times in 2017 and chalk it up to a shitty year. If I tracked "big events" close enough, there are probably more negative than positive. But those little moments of love, grace, and friendship add up to so much more than the big events. If 2017 was the electoral college, Negative Events were California and New York, but the positive moments made up all those tiny states and took the W*.
So, while I hope 2018 is a little easier on us, especially compared to the last quarter of 2017, I am bittersweet about turning that page. What a blessing it has been to watch a little baby grow into a toddler and see all the tiny golden moments of joy that have spiderwebbed from it.
Happy New Year, everyone!
*this is a metaphor only. it does not reflect my views about who took the W in the 2016 election and was brought into office in 2017.
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