A Mom's Mental Health Update
I've been a little MIA in terms of what is going on with ME lately. I can tell you all about Eva's life, her latest trips to the ER, Urgent Care, and doctors offices. I would be glad to brag on my husband for being (pretty much) done with his program for his principal certificate. Shoot, I can even update you on my parents life in Wilmington, or my niece Hazel's love of shoes. I can tell you Blake got a Nintendo DS that he bought with his own money. My sister-in-law Michelle kicks everyone's butt at our fitbit challenges every week (I still think you're cheating, Michelle :)) because she runs around the house with my nephew Nate who thinks it's hilarious.
I can give you brief histories on all of my friends, and a cliffs notes versions of whats going on in their lives. Really, all of my friends- Indiana, North Carolina, Hong Kong- I am pretty proud of how I've been maintaining friendships lately.
The relationships in my life are in a good place. This is saying so much because I have really struggled with this in the past. When my mental health gets the best of me, my people are the ones I hurt the most because I simply withdraw.
However, I have broken the cardinal rule. I have not been taking care of myself much lately.
Let me back up a bit with some history. Over the summer I had a very bad bout of depression that just wasn't getting better. Eva had been so sick pretty much the entire month of June, which was also my busiest time of the year at work. Spencer was in the thick of school. Summer in North Carolina is a lot like my winter- it gets CRAZY hot and I don't like going outside. My postpartum depression still wasn't fully managed and things just kept piling on. It was at that point I decided, with the help of my therapist and Spencer, it was time to see a psychiatrist and stop leaving my mental health medication up to an OBGYN.
We've played around a bit with medicines, but I've got a pretty decent cocktail going. I was given an ADHD medication that has been FDA approved to help binge eating, however when taking it we discovered it had the same affect on me as it does on patients with ADHD. It calmed me down. My anxiety was very well managed. All these years, I've had ADHD. When I think about ADHD I think of someone who cant concentrate and who is easily distracted. That's the most common and popular type. However, there is also a kind that is about the "hyperactivity". I never thought of myself as a hyperactive person- there is nothing I love more than spending a day on the couch doing absolutely nothing. Hyperactivity, though, can mean a lot of things and for me its my racing mind, my constant tapping of my foot, my impulsive behavior (I'll buy this thing now and let future Ashley worry about the budget).
Since I've been on a mixture of medication that is right for me, I've been doing great. I got a new job (I know, I know) working from home. I loved my job at the Medical Board, but a company can only be so flexible with an employee and her kid. There are so many great companies out there that are kid-friendly, but I was the youngest person at that organization by a good 15-20 years so they haven't had to deal with an employee with an infant in a long time. I was constantly out of PTO and taking time without pay and it just wasn't working for the family anymore. I really took my time to look for a new job- I didn't want to just jump ship and find myself in a bad situation again. I was eventually offered a job writing biographies for executives for a company in California. I get to work 100% at home! Not only is it so great for our family because I can be there for Eva when she's sick (she was home from daycare for two straight weeks and I only had to take 15 hrs of sick time), but it gives me the opportunity to have quiet time at home. I am able to get laundry done, pick up the house, and go to the grocery store. I even have the time to go for a run or to yoga during the day. It has been a huge blessing for me to be able to be the mom I want to be and still be able to work.
Basically, I was on top of the world! Friendships - Check! Work- Check! Motherhood- Check! Marriage- Check! Family - Check! Everything was taken care of!
Then, as I mentioned earlier, Eva had a string of doctor appointments, urgent care visits, and a trip to the ER all within 18 days (9 appointments in 18 days to be exact). The short version of this is that her pediatricians kept giving her antibiotics for an ear infection that wouldn't clear up, then she ended up with a rash they said was viral, the next day she went to the ER because it was actually an allergic reaction, then a couple days later she busted her face during a fall and had to be checked for stitches.
I have to say- I was freaking supermom during all that. If there is anything I can say about my ability to be a mom, it is that I will fight like heck for my baby. And fight I did. I ended up having to report her pediatrician to the medical board, then find a new pediatrician for follow up visits. At the same time, my husband and I were in the process of finding her a new daycare. In the end, she is healthy (and we know she can't have amoxicillin), she has a new doctor I like, and is off to a new daycare on Dec 4.
As the dust settled on Eva, I had a moment to check in with myself. It was not good. I was taking xanax to get to sleep at night. It felt like my anxiety was running through my veins and coming out my fingertips like they were frayed wires. I set up an appointment with my therapist and let Spencer know how I was feeling.
So that's where we are now. I am realizing I have not taken much time to take care of myself lately. That check sheet up there- does not say Ashley anywhere. Its a perfect formula for a crash and burn. Thankfully, I've gotten pretty good at identifying this in myself and knowing what to do to help myself, but I'm still not at the point where I know how to avoid it. I'll get there someday, I think.
I don't know how supermoms do it. How they balance it all and still look good doing it (have I mentioned I haven't showered today?). If any of you can give me your secret formula to this circus act please do! Mine seems to be copious amounts of wine and a xanax here and there :)
I can give you brief histories on all of my friends, and a cliffs notes versions of whats going on in their lives. Really, all of my friends- Indiana, North Carolina, Hong Kong- I am pretty proud of how I've been maintaining friendships lately.
The relationships in my life are in a good place. This is saying so much because I have really struggled with this in the past. When my mental health gets the best of me, my people are the ones I hurt the most because I simply withdraw.
However, I have broken the cardinal rule. I have not been taking care of myself much lately.
Let me back up a bit with some history. Over the summer I had a very bad bout of depression that just wasn't getting better. Eva had been so sick pretty much the entire month of June, which was also my busiest time of the year at work. Spencer was in the thick of school. Summer in North Carolina is a lot like my winter- it gets CRAZY hot and I don't like going outside. My postpartum depression still wasn't fully managed and things just kept piling on. It was at that point I decided, with the help of my therapist and Spencer, it was time to see a psychiatrist and stop leaving my mental health medication up to an OBGYN.
We've played around a bit with medicines, but I've got a pretty decent cocktail going. I was given an ADHD medication that has been FDA approved to help binge eating, however when taking it we discovered it had the same affect on me as it does on patients with ADHD. It calmed me down. My anxiety was very well managed. All these years, I've had ADHD. When I think about ADHD I think of someone who cant concentrate and who is easily distracted. That's the most common and popular type. However, there is also a kind that is about the "hyperactivity". I never thought of myself as a hyperactive person- there is nothing I love more than spending a day on the couch doing absolutely nothing. Hyperactivity, though, can mean a lot of things and for me its my racing mind, my constant tapping of my foot, my impulsive behavior (I'll buy this thing now and let future Ashley worry about the budget).
Since I've been on a mixture of medication that is right for me, I've been doing great. I got a new job (I know, I know) working from home. I loved my job at the Medical Board, but a company can only be so flexible with an employee and her kid. There are so many great companies out there that are kid-friendly, but I was the youngest person at that organization by a good 15-20 years so they haven't had to deal with an employee with an infant in a long time. I was constantly out of PTO and taking time without pay and it just wasn't working for the family anymore. I really took my time to look for a new job- I didn't want to just jump ship and find myself in a bad situation again. I was eventually offered a job writing biographies for executives for a company in California. I get to work 100% at home! Not only is it so great for our family because I can be there for Eva when she's sick (she was home from daycare for two straight weeks and I only had to take 15 hrs of sick time), but it gives me the opportunity to have quiet time at home. I am able to get laundry done, pick up the house, and go to the grocery store. I even have the time to go for a run or to yoga during the day. It has been a huge blessing for me to be able to be the mom I want to be and still be able to work.
Basically, I was on top of the world! Friendships - Check! Work- Check! Motherhood- Check! Marriage- Check! Family - Check! Everything was taken care of!
Then, as I mentioned earlier, Eva had a string of doctor appointments, urgent care visits, and a trip to the ER all within 18 days (9 appointments in 18 days to be exact). The short version of this is that her pediatricians kept giving her antibiotics for an ear infection that wouldn't clear up, then she ended up with a rash they said was viral, the next day she went to the ER because it was actually an allergic reaction, then a couple days later she busted her face during a fall and had to be checked for stitches.
I have to say- I was freaking supermom during all that. If there is anything I can say about my ability to be a mom, it is that I will fight like heck for my baby. And fight I did. I ended up having to report her pediatrician to the medical board, then find a new pediatrician for follow up visits. At the same time, my husband and I were in the process of finding her a new daycare. In the end, she is healthy (and we know she can't have amoxicillin), she has a new doctor I like, and is off to a new daycare on Dec 4.
As the dust settled on Eva, I had a moment to check in with myself. It was not good. I was taking xanax to get to sleep at night. It felt like my anxiety was running through my veins and coming out my fingertips like they were frayed wires. I set up an appointment with my therapist and let Spencer know how I was feeling.
So that's where we are now. I am realizing I have not taken much time to take care of myself lately. That check sheet up there- does not say Ashley anywhere. Its a perfect formula for a crash and burn. Thankfully, I've gotten pretty good at identifying this in myself and knowing what to do to help myself, but I'm still not at the point where I know how to avoid it. I'll get there someday, I think.
I don't know how supermoms do it. How they balance it all and still look good doing it (have I mentioned I haven't showered today?). If any of you can give me your secret formula to this circus act please do! Mine seems to be copious amounts of wine and a xanax here and there :)
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