If at First You Don't Succeed...

My baby is just shy of 1 year old, and this past year has been a mixture of happiness, sorrow, love, guilt, tears, smiles, laughter, and failure. I've dealt with a lot in my life, I'd say I'm a pretty weathered person- but nothing prepared me for this first year with my daughter.

The good stuff: Eva is my entire world. Even on my very worst days, she smiles at me and my heart melts. She is by far my best friend (sorry, Spencer). To know this kind of love is something I never could have dreamed about. I would do anything in the world to make sure she is never hurt in any way. I would spend all the money I have to make sure she is fed and clothed. Before I had her, I often wondered if I was too selfish for kids. And sure, there are times I want to focus on me, but I would never take "me time" at the expense of Eva. That little girl has changed my world for the better. She's shown me what true love and joy feel like. She makes me laugh -hard- daily. And every night when I go to bed, I sneak into her room, touch her back to feel her breathe, then tuck her hair behind her ear and I know that despite all the feelings of failure I sometimes feel, I was put on this earth to be her mom.

The hard stuff: This year has been tough. I still know know where the balance is. While I would truly do anything I could for Eva, I still have to find time for me- because if I don't, I'm not a good mom. I have tried, so hard, to keep all the balls in the air- work, marriage, motherhood, self, friendships, family. Let me just say, I am a horrible juggler. I see other women who seemingly do it all and I just don't understand how they can. I cant even keep my bathroom clean (seriously, you should see it, it's really gross). I have struggled so much. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have had my husband hug me as I sob because I am failing at everything. I've folded up clothes Eva's grown out of and felt empty because I only got to see her in that outfit once before it became too small- because I was so busy with all the other things in life.

I don't mean for this to be a pity party, because I have it really good. I just wasn't prepared for this kind of love and defeat. I can't really think of a better way to put it. I've never in my life wanted to succeed at something so much.

I was raised by a mom who was home full time (well, in the early days she worked, but I was too little to remember that) and a dad who had a job flexible enough that he was at every (boring!) choir concert and softball game. I won't lie- I had a very #blessed childhood. If my mom struggled I never had any idea (of course, now she tells me all the times she did). I literally came home from school to fresh baked cookies, folded laundry, and a home where I felt safe and loved. There were fights and rough patches, sure, but overall I look back on childhood warmly.

That's all I want for my daughter. I want her to grow up knowing her mom. To know that if she's sick, mom will pick her up from school, put a cold wash cloth on her head, and play with her hair until she falls asleep. I want her to know that even if shes a raging teenager who thinks I'm dumb and know nothing, that when her friends are mean to her I'll hug her and listen to the drama.

So, I am holding myself up to a really high standard as a mom. I will say, this has been an evolving standard. I had no idea what kind of mom I would be. When I went back to work after 3 months I LOVED it. I wanted to get away from that screaming infant so bad. I wanted to have grown up conversations and a sense of worth outside of the home. But then, Eva was sick (a LOT) with daycare and her preemie lungs. I couldn't always be there for her when I wanted to. I was exhausted every day because my energy went to work, then to Eva after work, and dinner, and then my husband wanted attention and I couldn't give it to him, and friends pretty much thought I fell off the earth. The balls were dropping one by one.

It's not easy to admit defeat. I sat there and had to evaluate everything because nothing was working. There was a day at work my boss brought me in to discuss a number of mistakes I had made. I broke down in her office (because, thats professional) and sobbed. I told her I was failing at everything. She told me I'm too hard on myself (duh, why do you think I'm in therapy?!) and that I'm not failing. The damage was done though. I still had certain expectations at work, and I knew I wasn't meeting them anymore because I wasn't focused. It was time to make a change, because I couldn't keep half assing everything. As Ron Swanson says, "Don't half ass two things, whole ass one thing."

I decided to start applying to new jobs that allowed me to work from home. I knew I wasn't going to jump ship from a job I liked to just another job with the same struggles. Eventually, I found a side job writing resumes as a contractor, and a full time job writing biographies for executives. I start my new job in two weeks.

This decision was a hard one for me, but I couldn't keep going the speed I was going. No one was getting what they needed out of me. The hope is that with a WFH job, I will have the quiet time to myself during the day- while still being stimulated. Then, I will have energy in the evenings to play with Eva and hang out with my husband, and on occasion go out with my girlfriends. If Eva is sick, I can pick her up and bring her home, and still work without having to take PTO constantly. If it's so bad she needs full time attention- she still has a dad that can be there, but I can be there too and don't have to wonder if she's okay.  I don't know if this will work out, but I really hope it will.

To my new mom friends (and expecting moms)- I just want you to know I'm here for you. I've been so fortunate to not be alone in this journey the last year and it's made such a difference. I think the most important thing women can do for each other is to be real, and to say "it's okay if you fail today." If I have learned anything in only one year of motherhood, it's that I'm in for a ride.

Also, my mom is an unspoken hero. I have spent my whole life being a self-proclaimed daddy's girl....but dad was the big "Wizard Face" on the screen....mom was the man behind the curtain. She did all the worrying and crying, and dad came home from a long day at work and we ran up to him hugging him as if he was the only one with a job. So, Mama, thank you for all you did and for loving me this much, I'm sorry it took me 31 years to understand xoxox