The Reality of a Working Mom
Today, the reality of being a working mom hit me hard. Harder than the first day I left my baby in the arms of teachers at daycare. Yes, I cried harder today than I did the day I left her.
My sweet 8 month old has been sick since Saturday. Spencer and I were in Wilmington helping my parents pack up their house for their move in a couple weeks and I noticed Eva has been sleeping a lot that day and just not acting like herself. By about 3:00 I called it a day. I told them she was sick (though everyone said she didn't feel warm and it was probably just a bug) and Spencer and I headed back to Raleigh, with a very cranky baby in the backseat. Lesson here is: always travel with tylenol.
Sunday she had a fever and was sleeping all day, so it was no secret that that point. I opted to stay home with her Monday because that temp wasn't budging. We went to the doctor where they did the usual "yep, it's viral, nothing we can do about it. Call us in 3-5 days if it's not better."
Tuesday morning we woke up to a 99.7 temp- which was a huge relief. Despite my sister being gracious and offering to watch Eva for the day, we sent her to daycare which turned out to be wishful thinking. By 10:30 I was on my way to pick her up because daycare could tell she was miserable. Once I got her I could tell they were right. She slept for 4 hours that afternoon, woke up for 2 (where she snuggled on me the entire time) and then went back down for bed for a solid 12 hours.
To be fair, I had a backup babysitter in my sister on Tuesday and my husband offered to pick Eva up from daycare that day. I declined both offers because my baby was very sick for the first time in her life. My heart was broken and I just wanted to be there with her.
Wednesday (today) rolls around. Day 5. Her cough is worse than ever, the temp wont go down, and she is clearly not herself. I call the doctor up again and insist she be seen even though it's only been two days. I am home with her until 9:30 when Spencer can come home from work. I've set up a doctor appointment and reluctantly left to work.
I get to work, and my boss comes in to talk to me about my time off. I sat there and listened as she explained that I'm getting close to having no more PTO and that I'd have to take time without pay. I explained to her that if that's what I need to do for my family, that's fine, that's what I'll do. I assured her I track my own time off and am well aware of where I'm at PTO wise (fun fact: they make you take all your PTO during your unpaid maternity leave- and then expect you to be able to bank time with a new baby in daycare....isn't that funny?). I could tell the underlying thing she was trying to say here was: stop taking off time for you kid.
Not long after that my husband texted to tell me the diagnosis. Eva has lost a pound since Monday and has Bronchiolitis. It's pretty common in kids, but she won't be in daycare for the rest of the week. Also with her being a premie we have to watch out for labored breathing that would mean she needs to go to the hospital. Again, this is something most kids get at one point or another, but here I was stuck at work while my baby was so miserably sick.
Cue Tears.
I have not cried at work once since I started here. Even when I was crazy pregnant I never actually cried at work. Of course my boss chose that moment to walk into my office to tell me something. I had to blame it on "first time mom guilt" but really it's so much more than that. It's that I am angry. I am angry that I wasn't offered paid maternity leave and that I was required to use all my PTO to cover my very much needed time off. Then, I'm expected to somehow manage to have a bank of PTO 5 months later when shes sick constantly? I'm angry that I was shamed for taking time off during our busy season. I am angry that Spencer doesn't get paid what he deserves for the work he does. I'm angry that I dont have a job that is flexible enough to let me work from home during times like these. Most of all? I'm angry I am not home with my baby right now.
Today all the mom guilt came pouring out. All I wanted to do was go home to my baby and watch every breath to make sure she was okay. It's not that I don't trust my husband or think he can handle this, it's that I don't WANT to. I want to be home with her.
I don't want to be superwoman today. Today, I want to be a stay at home mom with my baby. Today, I wish I had a choice. Ask me again in a week, I'm sure I'll feel differently. Today, though, I want to be home.
My sweet 8 month old has been sick since Saturday. Spencer and I were in Wilmington helping my parents pack up their house for their move in a couple weeks and I noticed Eva has been sleeping a lot that day and just not acting like herself. By about 3:00 I called it a day. I told them she was sick (though everyone said she didn't feel warm and it was probably just a bug) and Spencer and I headed back to Raleigh, with a very cranky baby in the backseat. Lesson here is: always travel with tylenol.
Sunday she had a fever and was sleeping all day, so it was no secret that that point. I opted to stay home with her Monday because that temp wasn't budging. We went to the doctor where they did the usual "yep, it's viral, nothing we can do about it. Call us in 3-5 days if it's not better."
Tuesday morning we woke up to a 99.7 temp- which was a huge relief. Despite my sister being gracious and offering to watch Eva for the day, we sent her to daycare which turned out to be wishful thinking. By 10:30 I was on my way to pick her up because daycare could tell she was miserable. Once I got her I could tell they were right. She slept for 4 hours that afternoon, woke up for 2 (where she snuggled on me the entire time) and then went back down for bed for a solid 12 hours.
To be fair, I had a backup babysitter in my sister on Tuesday and my husband offered to pick Eva up from daycare that day. I declined both offers because my baby was very sick for the first time in her life. My heart was broken and I just wanted to be there with her.
Wednesday (today) rolls around. Day 5. Her cough is worse than ever, the temp wont go down, and she is clearly not herself. I call the doctor up again and insist she be seen even though it's only been two days. I am home with her until 9:30 when Spencer can come home from work. I've set up a doctor appointment and reluctantly left to work.
I get to work, and my boss comes in to talk to me about my time off. I sat there and listened as she explained that I'm getting close to having no more PTO and that I'd have to take time without pay. I explained to her that if that's what I need to do for my family, that's fine, that's what I'll do. I assured her I track my own time off and am well aware of where I'm at PTO wise (fun fact: they make you take all your PTO during your unpaid maternity leave- and then expect you to be able to bank time with a new baby in daycare....isn't that funny?). I could tell the underlying thing she was trying to say here was: stop taking off time for you kid.
Not long after that my husband texted to tell me the diagnosis. Eva has lost a pound since Monday and has Bronchiolitis. It's pretty common in kids, but she won't be in daycare for the rest of the week. Also with her being a premie we have to watch out for labored breathing that would mean she needs to go to the hospital. Again, this is something most kids get at one point or another, but here I was stuck at work while my baby was so miserably sick.
Cue Tears.
I have not cried at work once since I started here. Even when I was crazy pregnant I never actually cried at work. Of course my boss chose that moment to walk into my office to tell me something. I had to blame it on "first time mom guilt" but really it's so much more than that. It's that I am angry. I am angry that I wasn't offered paid maternity leave and that I was required to use all my PTO to cover my very much needed time off. Then, I'm expected to somehow manage to have a bank of PTO 5 months later when shes sick constantly? I'm angry that I was shamed for taking time off during our busy season. I am angry that Spencer doesn't get paid what he deserves for the work he does. I'm angry that I dont have a job that is flexible enough to let me work from home during times like these. Most of all? I'm angry I am not home with my baby right now.
Today all the mom guilt came pouring out. All I wanted to do was go home to my baby and watch every breath to make sure she was okay. It's not that I don't trust my husband or think he can handle this, it's that I don't WANT to. I want to be home with her.
I don't want to be superwoman today. Today, I want to be a stay at home mom with my baby. Today, I wish I had a choice. Ask me again in a week, I'm sure I'll feel differently. Today, though, I want to be home.
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