Work it, Mama! Ahem, I mean, Working Mama

I think I just came out of a rabbit hole. What day is it? What year is it? Am I still Ashley? Where’s the pizza?

Maternity leave was nothing short of a whirlwind experience. To say I loved every minute of the 13 weeks with Eva would be a lie, but I will say I loved like 3/4ths of the minutes. The beginning was tough. As any new mom knows there’s a serious adjustment period, very little sleep, and moments of sheer panic thinking “OH MY GOD IS THIS FOREVER?!” I can say in only 14 weeks I have already learned, no, it is not forever.

I returned to work last week. It was bittersweet. I enjoyed being home with Eva- especially the last few weeks when she was (finally) smiling and laughing and being fun, but I really missed having mental stimulation. I didn’t love taking Eva to daycare (I still don’t), but it’s a necessary evil. The place we go to is great, though. I know they love my baby, and they don’t think I’m too crazy when I check in on her….twice a day.

A lot has changed for me personally since becoming a mom. Honestly, I didn’t know if I had the mom gene in me. I wondered how I’d feel losing my independence, and having someone depend on me. Some days, that does get to me, but most of the time I’m genuinely surprised how second nature it is for me. When I am invited to happy hour now, I think long and hard about if I want to go because that means missing bath and bedtime with Eva after not seeing her all day anyway.

I have (had to) learned to be more flexible too. Try as I might, Eva doesn’t care what my plans are for a day. She calls the shots. Some nights I get great sleep, others (like last night) I want to turn off the monitor because seriously why is this child awake again?! With the mess that was maternity leave and benefits at work, too, I’ve had to just roll with the punches and have the mentality of “we’ll figure it out”. Which, we do. Spencer and I are a great team and I find myself fangirling over him constantly. Want to know what makes your already-hot husband even hotter? Fatherhood.

The thing I appreciate the most, though, is how I came out of all of this. Look through my old blogs and you’ll see how much my depression/anxiety/eating disorder plagued me for 2014 and 2015. After a lot of therapy I was getting to the bottom of everything and coming out the other side- then I got pregnant. For someone coping with body dysmorphic disorder, getting bigger by (what felt like) the minute isn’t easy. Then, I come out of it still looking 5 months pregnant and having to continue to wear yoga pants even after Eva was born. I feel like 2014, 2015, and 2016 were spent crying over the way clothes fit and finding the best way to hide my body that I was so ashamed of. Now? I am kind of amazed at my body. No, I will never be one of those “pregnancy is beautiful” people. It’s not beautiful- and neither is childbirth for that matter. It is rather fascinating though. I grew a human (a pretty cute one, at that). I had a bond with this tiny thing and I helped it grow. It makes you appreciate your body a little more. Now I’m having so much fun buying clothes and putting together outfits again. I look in the mirror and am perfectly content with what is looking back at me. Is it perfect? Heck no! Do I wish I looked different? Sure, but it’s not going to ruin my day if a junior size M doesn’t fit me. I’m 30 years old, I need to stop trying to fit into junior size clothes anyway. It’s really freeing to feel this way again. It’s also freeing not to have a baby growing in my uterus and making me run to the bathroom every 5 minutes- but that’s a different victory.

I’ve found small ways to keep structure in my life- meal planning, meal prepping the night before, picking up the house before bed. I make it to the gym over lunch most days of the week too. I’m type A, I need things organized, I can’t help it. I’ve loosened up though. I have a full Rx of Ativan for those rough days with anxiety and I’ve only taken 2 pills since coming home from the hospital (don’t ask me how much wine I’ve drank, though). I am enjoying going to work every day. I am just all around enjoying life again. It’s been a long time for me- and I am so happy that Eva gets to see me like this, not the shell of a person I was before. I hope that I can find a way to maintain this mentality so that I raise her to be happy with herself no matter what.

I know you all are probably more interested in how Eva is doing than me, but that’s not what this blog is about. This is something that is just for me, and I plan to keep it that way. I mean, I’ve had to use every target gift card towards diaper genie refills and onesies so let me have this!