Real Talk
Alright friends and fam, it's time for me to be real. Most of my blogs and instagram posts have been about the joys of pregnancy. And trust me, those are true. But, I don't want to be one of those people I have been trying to escape. I don't want to pretend it's all hunky dory over here and I'm blissfully floating along in pregnancy land happy as a clam. I want to be real.
I havecried sobbed every day for the past 4 days. Why? Most of the triggers I can't even remember if I'm being honest. My emotions are flippin' crazy right now. I pretty much hate everyone and everything. Look at me the wrong way and I may sit on you, or eat you.
I've felt guilty a lot through this pregnancy for pretty much hating being pregnant. I know there are a lot of women who would kill to be in my shoes, to get to experience this. I get that. I do not discount how lucky we got. It feels unfair to me, though, that I can't be real about MY emotions. I shouldn't shame myself because "other people have it worse". Yes, they do. A couple people in particular I'd probably do anything to take their pain away - even if that meant go through this pregnancy for 3 years. That isn't in my control, though. All I can do is pray for them.
It doesn't take away my personal pain though.
So, here is my list of things I want to bitch about right now. If it bothers you, don't read it. I will try to make it light and funny. I know I'm not the first woman to give birth and to have these feelings. I just need to get it out there...
1. A coworker asked me how I was doing last week. Then proceeded to ask me, "hows your weight gain going? on track there?" Excuse me?! Why do you think it is ok to EVER ask someone that?! Not to mention, shut up lady, why don't I ask you about YOUR weight. Your kid is as old as me and have you lost all the baby weight yet?
2. It is freaking hot here. My mom actually asked me yesterday "what's the temp?" "I dont know? the sun?" I truly don't know who women without AC do it. I am drinking so much water only to continue to be dehydrated. If I'm out in the sun I burn in a matter of minutes. I can't so much as talk a walk around the neighborhood at night because it's still in the upper 80's. I'm all about lounging and watching netflix, but it sure loses its luster when you're just flat out not ABLE to be outside for more than 2.5 minutes.
3. I miss wine. I'm not convinced I'm not an alcoholic because I miss it so much. I could go for a glass right now...
4. Don't get me started on maternity clothes. I thought leggings for days would be amazing. Turns out, you really miss your regular jeans, and regular clothes.
5. My. skin. has. changed. No one told me this would happen! I feel like I look like I have liver spots all over me. No amount of masks or makeup is making it go away. Does it ever go away? Am I going to be freckle faced forever?!
6. It takes a solid minute and a half to roll over in bed now.
7. I pretty much hate my husband. It doesn't matter what he does, it irritates me. I resent that I'm the one carrying the baby, and he's the one pouring a glass of merlot after a long day. Sometimes just his presence makes me want to pounce on him (not in the good way). I can't seem to find a way to fix that. His patience is wearing thin too, which makes it all the more fun.
8. Finances. I now feel guilty for everything I treat myself to because that money could be applied to the 582928 things we need for Eva.
9. I am living off sugar. I hope to God I still have teeth after this pregnancy (dentist appointment is in a week or so, that should be fun).
10. Pregnancy is actually really lonely. I'm in this limbo between my friends without kids who are going out and having fun at the bars (I could certainly go, but I'm narcoleptic and would fall asleep at the table) and my other friends who have already had babies (who can also drink together) and talk about the latest in their children's lives. It feels like I'm the only pregnant woman I know. I have had to become a mom all of the sudden, and honestly, it's already not easy. You can imagine the anxiety I feel for 3 1/2 months from now.
I know I'm #Blessed and that I should #CountMyBlessings, but some days it's really tough to. I know in the end I'll look back at all this and laugh and think about "how worth it" it all is. I know that 3 or 4 years from now I'll have amnesia over all this and be convinced I should do it all over again (thank God I'm documenting this, so I can remember!). I get to have a sweet little girl who will be my friend. I mean, my cat is already my best friend, so I imagine having a tiny human to hang with will be just as great if not better.
I remember when my sister's twins were very small, and a man at the store saw her with them, and saw how frazzled she was. He smiled at her and told her what a great job she was doing (I still think you're supermom, Nicole!) and told her "the days are long, but the years are short". I try to tell myself that. The days are long now, and there are going to be much longer days in my future, but in the blink of an eye Eva will be too cool for me. She won't want to be rocked anymore. She will be a daddy's girl and I'll just be the one on the side.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I just have to complain about everything to remind myself of it.
I have
I've felt guilty a lot through this pregnancy for pretty much hating being pregnant. I know there are a lot of women who would kill to be in my shoes, to get to experience this. I get that. I do not discount how lucky we got. It feels unfair to me, though, that I can't be real about MY emotions. I shouldn't shame myself because "other people have it worse". Yes, they do. A couple people in particular I'd probably do anything to take their pain away - even if that meant go through this pregnancy for 3 years. That isn't in my control, though. All I can do is pray for them.
It doesn't take away my personal pain though.
So, here is my list of things I want to bitch about right now. If it bothers you, don't read it. I will try to make it light and funny. I know I'm not the first woman to give birth and to have these feelings. I just need to get it out there...
1. A coworker asked me how I was doing last week. Then proceeded to ask me, "hows your weight gain going? on track there?" Excuse me?! Why do you think it is ok to EVER ask someone that?! Not to mention, shut up lady, why don't I ask you about YOUR weight. Your kid is as old as me and have you lost all the baby weight yet?
2. It is freaking hot here. My mom actually asked me yesterday "what's the temp?" "I dont know? the sun?" I truly don't know who women without AC do it. I am drinking so much water only to continue to be dehydrated. If I'm out in the sun I burn in a matter of minutes. I can't so much as talk a walk around the neighborhood at night because it's still in the upper 80's. I'm all about lounging and watching netflix, but it sure loses its luster when you're just flat out not ABLE to be outside for more than 2.5 minutes.
3. I miss wine. I'm not convinced I'm not an alcoholic because I miss it so much. I could go for a glass right now...
4. Don't get me started on maternity clothes. I thought leggings for days would be amazing. Turns out, you really miss your regular jeans, and regular clothes.
5. My. skin. has. changed. No one told me this would happen! I feel like I look like I have liver spots all over me. No amount of masks or makeup is making it go away. Does it ever go away? Am I going to be freckle faced forever?!
6. It takes a solid minute and a half to roll over in bed now.
7. I pretty much hate my husband. It doesn't matter what he does, it irritates me. I resent that I'm the one carrying the baby, and he's the one pouring a glass of merlot after a long day. Sometimes just his presence makes me want to pounce on him (not in the good way). I can't seem to find a way to fix that. His patience is wearing thin too, which makes it all the more fun.
8. Finances. I now feel guilty for everything I treat myself to because that money could be applied to the 582928 things we need for Eva.
9. I am living off sugar. I hope to God I still have teeth after this pregnancy (dentist appointment is in a week or so, that should be fun).
10. Pregnancy is actually really lonely. I'm in this limbo between my friends without kids who are going out and having fun at the bars (I could certainly go, but I'm narcoleptic and would fall asleep at the table) and my other friends who have already had babies (who can also drink together) and talk about the latest in their children's lives. It feels like I'm the only pregnant woman I know. I have had to become a mom all of the sudden, and honestly, it's already not easy. You can imagine the anxiety I feel for 3 1/2 months from now.
I know I'm #Blessed and that I should #CountMyBlessings, but some days it's really tough to. I know in the end I'll look back at all this and laugh and think about "how worth it" it all is. I know that 3 or 4 years from now I'll have amnesia over all this and be convinced I should do it all over again (thank God I'm documenting this, so I can remember!). I get to have a sweet little girl who will be my friend. I mean, my cat is already my best friend, so I imagine having a tiny human to hang with will be just as great if not better.
I remember when my sister's twins were very small, and a man at the store saw her with them, and saw how frazzled she was. He smiled at her and told her what a great job she was doing (I still think you're supermom, Nicole!) and told her "the days are long, but the years are short". I try to tell myself that. The days are long now, and there are going to be much longer days in my future, but in the blink of an eye Eva will be too cool for me. She won't want to be rocked anymore. She will be a daddy's girl and I'll just be the one on the side.
I know I'm lucky. Sometimes I just have to complain about everything to remind myself of it.
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