Baby Ziegler - Due November 2016
Spencer really had to make sure he outdid himself. He only waited 7 months into our relationship to propose to me, and 4 months into marriage to knock me up. Thanks, hubs. Whoever said you need a few months to "clear your body of the pill" was full of it. I needed a week and a half apparently. Not that I'm complaining, I know far too many people that don't have it as lucky as me, but I won't pretend it wasn't a (pleasant) surprise for us.
I'm approaching the end of my first trimester. If anyone had told me how sick and miserable I'd be, I don't think I'd have believed them. I wont lie- I used to think my friends bailing on plans because their stomachs hurt was a bs excuse. I'm sorry, friends. I was wrong. I was so, so, so, wrong. I go to bed at 7-8pm every night. Weekdays I struggle to get out of bed by 6:00 and weekends I'm still in bed until 7 or 8 am. There was a time in there I also took 3-4 hour naps in between.
I have missed so much work it's embarrassing. Thankfully my boss is awesome and lets me pretty much make my own schedule lately so I don't use up all my sick/PTO before I even go on leave. I had to leave a lunch after a funeral for a family member because I couldn't stand the smell of the meat in the room. I can't even tell you the last time I had chicken that wasn't chicken fingers. Spaghettio's are my food of choice these days, and bagels, and cheap popsicles. I'm not even sure if those still sit well at this point.
Bottom line: I've been pretty sick. Despite the fact that my weight has stayed the same, my clothes no longer fit. Let's just take a second to talk about how insanely difficult this is for someone who has serious body/food issues. On one hand, because I have been so sick, I've listened to my body and figured out what I actually want to eat and what will sit well, rather than just what is convenient. If I'm full, I stop eating because the wrath of this baby when I over eat is simply not worth a few extra bites. It's been weird to say "Spencer, pick me up a frozen pizza...wait....ugh, gross, no. How about some grapes?" I'm not sure what this baby is trying to prove. Stubborn like it's mom I suppose.
While I'm enjoying the intuitive eating side effect of pregnancy, I'm hating the body image part. My sister reminds me "your legs still fit in your pants, its just your belly, and that's ok!" -- good try, sis. With every pair of pants or top I have to throw into the "not wearing for at least a year" pile, it gets a little harder. Not to mention, I am so sick and that doesn't exactly make me feel hot (though my husband tries desperately to tell me I am-- I just shoot daggers at him, tell him not to touch me, and demand he go get me some candy).
There was one day I was driving home from work and a song came on the radio praising some woman for her beauty. I started to cry (okay, sob....hormones) because I was so angry this entire song was about how beautiful this woman was. What about her brain? How about her ability to serve in tennis? Come on, there has to be something else that is noteworthy about her! I cried because as much as I want a daughter (fingers crossed!) I don't want her to grow up hating herself like her mom did. I don't want to pass my insecurities on to her. I don't want her to go through life thinking she has to be pretty and perfect to be loved. I don't want her to put her entire worth in the hands of some stupid boy who doesn't think she's hot enough. I cried because I'm so sad I ever felt that way about myself, and because I'm so scared my future child could have the same feelings.
On the flip side, I get angry because if I have a boy and he ever treats a girl like that I'll go all mama bear on him and refuse to let him date until he has a better head on his shoulders. Spencer is an amazing man and I know he'll teach our son (if God decides to go that way) how to be a gentleman. I know that when he's old enough and the time is right, I'll tell him my story. I'll tell him about those boys who made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Who would later send me emails on facebook apologizing for being jerks (fyi those emails typically came when I was at my lower weights- you know restricting myself to under 1000 calories a day). I'll teach him to never let a girl throw herself at him because as confident as she seems, she's screaming with insecurities and that's not the way to make her feel beautiful. If God gives me a boy, I hope I can raise a really sweet gentle one (you know, the kind that aren't appreciated until age 25).
My fear for this baby runs deep. I often get sad at the state of the world and the fact that I'm bringing a life into it. However, I know that the change has to start with me. I have 6 months to get it together for this kid, and that's the best reason I've ever had.
Here's to you, my little surprise present, I can't wait to meet you and make you feel so loved and confident.
I'm approaching the end of my first trimester. If anyone had told me how sick and miserable I'd be, I don't think I'd have believed them. I wont lie- I used to think my friends bailing on plans because their stomachs hurt was a bs excuse. I'm sorry, friends. I was wrong. I was so, so, so, wrong. I go to bed at 7-8pm every night. Weekdays I struggle to get out of bed by 6:00 and weekends I'm still in bed until 7 or 8 am. There was a time in there I also took 3-4 hour naps in between.
I have missed so much work it's embarrassing. Thankfully my boss is awesome and lets me pretty much make my own schedule lately so I don't use up all my sick/PTO before I even go on leave. I had to leave a lunch after a funeral for a family member because I couldn't stand the smell of the meat in the room. I can't even tell you the last time I had chicken that wasn't chicken fingers. Spaghettio's are my food of choice these days, and bagels, and cheap popsicles. I'm not even sure if those still sit well at this point.
Bottom line: I've been pretty sick. Despite the fact that my weight has stayed the same, my clothes no longer fit. Let's just take a second to talk about how insanely difficult this is for someone who has serious body/food issues. On one hand, because I have been so sick, I've listened to my body and figured out what I actually want to eat and what will sit well, rather than just what is convenient. If I'm full, I stop eating because the wrath of this baby when I over eat is simply not worth a few extra bites. It's been weird to say "Spencer, pick me up a frozen pizza...wait....ugh, gross, no. How about some grapes?" I'm not sure what this baby is trying to prove. Stubborn like it's mom I suppose.
While I'm enjoying the intuitive eating side effect of pregnancy, I'm hating the body image part. My sister reminds me "your legs still fit in your pants, its just your belly, and that's ok!" -- good try, sis. With every pair of pants or top I have to throw into the "not wearing for at least a year" pile, it gets a little harder. Not to mention, I am so sick and that doesn't exactly make me feel hot (though my husband tries desperately to tell me I am-- I just shoot daggers at him, tell him not to touch me, and demand he go get me some candy).
There was one day I was driving home from work and a song came on the radio praising some woman for her beauty. I started to cry (okay, sob....hormones) because I was so angry this entire song was about how beautiful this woman was. What about her brain? How about her ability to serve in tennis? Come on, there has to be something else that is noteworthy about her! I cried because as much as I want a daughter (fingers crossed!) I don't want her to grow up hating herself like her mom did. I don't want to pass my insecurities on to her. I don't want her to go through life thinking she has to be pretty and perfect to be loved. I don't want her to put her entire worth in the hands of some stupid boy who doesn't think she's hot enough. I cried because I'm so sad I ever felt that way about myself, and because I'm so scared my future child could have the same feelings.
On the flip side, I get angry because if I have a boy and he ever treats a girl like that I'll go all mama bear on him and refuse to let him date until he has a better head on his shoulders. Spencer is an amazing man and I know he'll teach our son (if God decides to go that way) how to be a gentleman. I know that when he's old enough and the time is right, I'll tell him my story. I'll tell him about those boys who made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Who would later send me emails on facebook apologizing for being jerks (fyi those emails typically came when I was at my lower weights- you know restricting myself to under 1000 calories a day). I'll teach him to never let a girl throw herself at him because as confident as she seems, she's screaming with insecurities and that's not the way to make her feel beautiful. If God gives me a boy, I hope I can raise a really sweet gentle one (you know, the kind that aren't appreciated until age 25).
My fear for this baby runs deep. I often get sad at the state of the world and the fact that I'm bringing a life into it. However, I know that the change has to start with me. I have 6 months to get it together for this kid, and that's the best reason I've ever had.
Here's to you, my little surprise present, I can't wait to meet you and make you feel so loved and confident.
Congratulations, I'm happy for you! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know Spencer, but from what I've seen I think you guys will make great parents. You'll learn a lot and grow in ways you never thought possible. Congrats my friend! Welcome to the Mommy Club :)
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