Facebook Friends

Hi Everyone,

I'm writing to let you know that I've decided to quit Facebook. Many of you know that I LOVE me some Facebook, so this is probably a shock. In truth? I do love it. I love keeping up with my family that are scattered all over. I love watching your babies grow. I adore watching your lives unfold before my eyes. I think I may be a borderline stalker after that last comment. Oh well. Facebook has been my connection to my home in Indiana over the past 6 years since I left. It's been a comfort. It's helped me stay in touch with people. It's been there to stalk future dates (my now-husband, absolutely included in this stalking). It brings people together, and if that were all it did for me, you'd have me clawing someone's eyes out for even suggesting I quit. 

The reality, for me, is that while it does bring joy, it brings a lot of pain and frustration as well. I'm finally starting to see the light after one very long/hard year. I am working all day every day to silence this evil voice in my head that constantly tells me I'm not good enough. I compare myself to people more than I should. I'm naturally competitive and jealous and always wonder why so-and-so has this and I don't. I try to tell myself that Facebook is the highlight reel - that everyone's lives are as messy as mine (more or less). I fail at it. I look at weight loss transitions and on one hand am genuinely excited for that person, and on the other feel horrible about myself and my current situation. That's about three steps back in eating disorder treatment (which is not cheap, so I'd rather not keep back tracking). I see people buying bigger better houses and I think "ugh my yard is so small, we dont have a deck!" when in reality, I have a nicer home than I ever dreamed I could have. I look at vacations and convince myself it's okay to put money on a credit card so I can have an adventure like everyone else. I have been living this life that I'm not entirely sure is my own for so long, and I'm tired of it. 

I am on a journey that I've never really taken before. It's interesting to be 29 and take a step back and realize you're not sure who you are. Seriously, I had to make a list of things I enjoy for therapy and I truly had a hard time "oh, I like shopping, but we can't spend a ton of money right now so I guess that's out" "does sleeping count?" "I wonder if I'd like knitting? Okay, now I'm 95 years old apparently." 

I thought I had done all this work before I met Spencer. To some degree, I had. But now, all of the sudden, going out drinking with my friends every weekend is no longer something I enjoy- and seriously the hangovers are god-awful. I don't blow my money on clothes anymore because we have travel funds and family gifts to pay for and bills. These are all the things that have crippled me over the past year, and I am finally getting it. I'm seeing patterns. You should see me reload instagram and facebook to see how many "likes" I get on posts. It's obnoxious. I have been living for someone else for so long, and to be honest, I'm really excited to live for myself now. 

So, I'm going to leave this post up for a few days and deactivate my account. If you want to stay in touch (I hope you do!!) email me: ashleyziegler15@gmail.com, call me (I will give you my number if you ask via email - I'm not crazy enough to put that on a blog!), follow me on instagram - ashleyziegler15, click the link to the side to follow this blog - because I like writing and will continue to update this. 

I'm not sure if this will be the forever end of me and Facebook (and let's be honest, I'll play on Spencer's from time to time), I just know that this is what I need for myself right now. I am so happy you are all doing so well in life to the point of making me insecure and jealous- seriously I am, I just don't need a daily reminder right now.

Also, I am SO tired of politics on Facebook. So 75% mental health 25% politics. 

xoxoxo

Ash