Diary of a Burnout: Day 1
I don't know if you know what burnout is, if you don't check out this article, or this one, or my favorite is from my own therapist- this one .
A quick summary: it's a state far beyond stress. It's far beyond anxiety and depression. It is a a state of total mental, physical, emotional exhaustion. You lose all motivation. You lose all joy in life. Getting out of bed takes the energy of running a marathon. Productivity at work is on a steady decline. Relationships start to fall apart. You hate yourself and the world.
Yesterday, I finally reached my point of total and complete burnout. I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up yesterday, which was exactly one month from my wedding, and instead of that being my first thought - my first thought was "not again". I barely spoke to Spencer, except to scold him for trying to snuggle up on me. I got ready for work in a daze and could feel my chest getting tighter, my breathing getting more shallow, my hands getting shaky. I popped an ativan (like I have been for the past few weeks just to give me the strength to get to work), walked out of the bedroom, sat on the loft couch and cried.
Spencer came out to find me and I told him I can't do it. I can't go to work today. This didn't come as too much of a shock to him, as he has been watching the steady decline of my health and sanity over the past year and a half, but particularly the past few months. I had spent the past weekend on the phone with my parents asking for some kind of help and advice on how to handle this. I was lost. The only emotions I could feel were sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and disappointment. I even had a bridal shower this past weekend and put on a fake smile for the day. Somehow, I've managed not to let everyone in on what's been going on.
I called into work yesterday and set up a 911 session with my therapist, as well as an appointment with my primary care doctor. My therapist asked me what I like to do, I couldn't come up with an answer. Over the past few months my life has consisted of coming home from work to work some more, eating a carb loaded dinner to put me in a fog, answering more work emails from my phone, and going to bed. That's it. That has been almost every day for quite some time. I dont even know what makes me happy anymore. I used to run pretty regularly- I told her that, but getting the energy to go for a run was like asking me to learn to fly-- it seemed nothing short of impossible.
After a long tearful talk with her about all things joy, work, sadness, God, life, Spencer- she told me I can't keep going at this pace. My primary care doctor agreed as well. Medicine was prescribed, notes were written, and the next thing I knew- I was requesting a leave of absence from work.
I confided in a few friends right away- those that would pray for me and my circumstances. We just cut our income in half and I'm not entirely sure how we'll do it. I had spent last weekend applying to just about every job in Raleigh and have 6 pending interview requests- but I'm still sitting here not answering any of them. Just wondering what in the world happened and what got me here. I'm trusting God will take care of us financially, but I have no idea what is going to happen.
Day one of burnout looks like this: I woke up unsure what to do. I started watching TV but found I couldn't focus on it. I started playing on my phone, checking emails, and doing other things. So, I ate some breakfast and tried again. I can't even slow down to watch a freaking TV show and take it all in. My anxiety is through the roof. I have one of the world's most awful migraines. I want to sleep. I want to go out in the sunshine (but then what? I have no idea what I even like anymore). I feel like I'm in a daze and it's frankly really scary. I'm sitting at home alone all day with nothing but my own thoughts - and right now they aren't pleasant.
My therapist asked me to chronicle these days so, I thought I'd do it here. I have been searching the web looking for blogs about people going through the recovery of burnout (all I can find are symptoms of burnout and "how to recover" but no actual journey stories). So I figure I'll write my own.
Yesterday, I told my therapist, "I have two choices, keep working and making money and be this shell of a person who isn't doing anything well, and who is not fun to be around or I can lose some money and figure out what I want in life, and get myself back to that great version of myself I was when Spencer met me" -- it's going to become my motto--- find out who I am again. Should be an interesting ride...
A quick summary: it's a state far beyond stress. It's far beyond anxiety and depression. It is a a state of total mental, physical, emotional exhaustion. You lose all motivation. You lose all joy in life. Getting out of bed takes the energy of running a marathon. Productivity at work is on a steady decline. Relationships start to fall apart. You hate yourself and the world.
Yesterday, I finally reached my point of total and complete burnout. I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up yesterday, which was exactly one month from my wedding, and instead of that being my first thought - my first thought was "not again". I barely spoke to Spencer, except to scold him for trying to snuggle up on me. I got ready for work in a daze and could feel my chest getting tighter, my breathing getting more shallow, my hands getting shaky. I popped an ativan (like I have been for the past few weeks just to give me the strength to get to work), walked out of the bedroom, sat on the loft couch and cried.
Spencer came out to find me and I told him I can't do it. I can't go to work today. This didn't come as too much of a shock to him, as he has been watching the steady decline of my health and sanity over the past year and a half, but particularly the past few months. I had spent the past weekend on the phone with my parents asking for some kind of help and advice on how to handle this. I was lost. The only emotions I could feel were sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and disappointment. I even had a bridal shower this past weekend and put on a fake smile for the day. Somehow, I've managed not to let everyone in on what's been going on.
I called into work yesterday and set up a 911 session with my therapist, as well as an appointment with my primary care doctor. My therapist asked me what I like to do, I couldn't come up with an answer. Over the past few months my life has consisted of coming home from work to work some more, eating a carb loaded dinner to put me in a fog, answering more work emails from my phone, and going to bed. That's it. That has been almost every day for quite some time. I dont even know what makes me happy anymore. I used to run pretty regularly- I told her that, but getting the energy to go for a run was like asking me to learn to fly-- it seemed nothing short of impossible.
After a long tearful talk with her about all things joy, work, sadness, God, life, Spencer- she told me I can't keep going at this pace. My primary care doctor agreed as well. Medicine was prescribed, notes were written, and the next thing I knew- I was requesting a leave of absence from work.
I confided in a few friends right away- those that would pray for me and my circumstances. We just cut our income in half and I'm not entirely sure how we'll do it. I had spent last weekend applying to just about every job in Raleigh and have 6 pending interview requests- but I'm still sitting here not answering any of them. Just wondering what in the world happened and what got me here. I'm trusting God will take care of us financially, but I have no idea what is going to happen.
Day one of burnout looks like this: I woke up unsure what to do. I started watching TV but found I couldn't focus on it. I started playing on my phone, checking emails, and doing other things. So, I ate some breakfast and tried again. I can't even slow down to watch a freaking TV show and take it all in. My anxiety is through the roof. I have one of the world's most awful migraines. I want to sleep. I want to go out in the sunshine (but then what? I have no idea what I even like anymore). I feel like I'm in a daze and it's frankly really scary. I'm sitting at home alone all day with nothing but my own thoughts - and right now they aren't pleasant.
My therapist asked me to chronicle these days so, I thought I'd do it here. I have been searching the web looking for blogs about people going through the recovery of burnout (all I can find are symptoms of burnout and "how to recover" but no actual journey stories). So I figure I'll write my own.
Yesterday, I told my therapist, "I have two choices, keep working and making money and be this shell of a person who isn't doing anything well, and who is not fun to be around or I can lose some money and figure out what I want in life, and get myself back to that great version of myself I was when Spencer met me" -- it's going to become my motto--- find out who I am again. Should be an interesting ride...
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