3 Month Update
For those of you who still follow this blog- hello!
In March, I admitted one of the biggest secrets I've ever had- that I have an eating disorder. I also began therapy for it. Unfortunately the therapist I was seeing was great at the surface of my disorder, but didn't help me dig deep to figure out the root cause. I have found myself still resorting to food when I've had a particularly rough day. I have an appointment with a new therapist in a couple of weeks and after a 30 minute phone conversation with her yesterday, I'm hopeful that in time I will figure out the reason I rely on food and begin healing from the inside out. This won't be an overnight transition, and there likely won't be some "A HA!" moment, but I am optimistic and have the support of Spencer, my family, and a few close friends.
What I can say is that things, while not black/white, have changed over the past few months. I still have binges, but they are at least less. I've been trying to follow the intuitive eating program and I've found that I actually CAN get sick of gross food. I've also been keeping a food journal - not to count calories - but to record how I feel (how hungry am I? how full am I after? how do I feel when I wake up the morning after a binge or a bad meal?). It's been pretty eye opening (I had smash burger last night, and I kind of want to die today because I feel so sick from it).
Spencer and I decided to start looking into "clean eating" too. We really didn't know what that meant entirely- we just know that I have had zero energy lately (I'm not kidding, I sleep for 9-12 hours a night most nights) and he hasn't had much sleep at all. I am not allowed to be on a "diet" but I want to feel good but still eat the things I love.
I've spent hours looking at clean eating blogs and we are slowly replacing things in our pantry with less processed options. It's expensive, but it's also super eye opening. I've learned certain additives to avoid (apparently we should never ever eat high fructose corn syrup or any vegetable oil). It's amazing what I've been putting in my body. No wonder I've been addicted to junk food- literally everything seems to have SOMETHING in it that is chemically made to addict people.
We're just starting out on this journey so there's a long way to go. But it's been pretty fascinating. I'd love to say that the change is 100% about how I feel and not at all about how I look- but that'd be a lie. I am interested in how this changes my body. Most of what I've read has told me I can pretty much eat what I want, when I want it as long as it's clean. Also, I will find that clean food will leave me fuller, so I will naturally not overindulge in the same way. Plus, pizza is a lot more work when you're making it fresh- so I have to REALLY want it to have it. No more premade dough (but no one said I can't freeze my homemade dough for emergency days ;)).
Overall, I'm not better yet. Not that I expected to be already, but I am so hopeful which is something I haven't really felt in a long time. I am starting to see a change in my tastes and how I feel after I eat. When I am binging I KNOW I am, so if nothing else I can talk myself through it - and the binges have become less frequent and lower in volume. I don't have a scale anymore, but I'm starting to notice small changes in my body. Honestly, not having a scale around is pretty freeing. I much prefer not living my life counting calories and seeing if what I did made a difference. I don't feel like I'm starving myself anymore. I don't feel bad about (most of ) what I eat. Things are looking better.
If anyone is interested in clean eating- I am by NO means an expert, but I have a tiny sliver of knowledge at this point. There are so many great blogs out there, too, that have fantastic recipes for delicious snacks and goodies that are completely clean and guilt free. Plus, you are encouraged to eat real butter. Sign me up.
In March, I admitted one of the biggest secrets I've ever had- that I have an eating disorder. I also began therapy for it. Unfortunately the therapist I was seeing was great at the surface of my disorder, but didn't help me dig deep to figure out the root cause. I have found myself still resorting to food when I've had a particularly rough day. I have an appointment with a new therapist in a couple of weeks and after a 30 minute phone conversation with her yesterday, I'm hopeful that in time I will figure out the reason I rely on food and begin healing from the inside out. This won't be an overnight transition, and there likely won't be some "A HA!" moment, but I am optimistic and have the support of Spencer, my family, and a few close friends.
What I can say is that things, while not black/white, have changed over the past few months. I still have binges, but they are at least less. I've been trying to follow the intuitive eating program and I've found that I actually CAN get sick of gross food. I've also been keeping a food journal - not to count calories - but to record how I feel (how hungry am I? how full am I after? how do I feel when I wake up the morning after a binge or a bad meal?). It's been pretty eye opening (I had smash burger last night, and I kind of want to die today because I feel so sick from it).
Spencer and I decided to start looking into "clean eating" too. We really didn't know what that meant entirely- we just know that I have had zero energy lately (I'm not kidding, I sleep for 9-12 hours a night most nights) and he hasn't had much sleep at all. I am not allowed to be on a "diet" but I want to feel good but still eat the things I love.
I've spent hours looking at clean eating blogs and we are slowly replacing things in our pantry with less processed options. It's expensive, but it's also super eye opening. I've learned certain additives to avoid (apparently we should never ever eat high fructose corn syrup or any vegetable oil). It's amazing what I've been putting in my body. No wonder I've been addicted to junk food- literally everything seems to have SOMETHING in it that is chemically made to addict people.
We're just starting out on this journey so there's a long way to go. But it's been pretty fascinating. I'd love to say that the change is 100% about how I feel and not at all about how I look- but that'd be a lie. I am interested in how this changes my body. Most of what I've read has told me I can pretty much eat what I want, when I want it as long as it's clean. Also, I will find that clean food will leave me fuller, so I will naturally not overindulge in the same way. Plus, pizza is a lot more work when you're making it fresh- so I have to REALLY want it to have it. No more premade dough (but no one said I can't freeze my homemade dough for emergency days ;)).
Overall, I'm not better yet. Not that I expected to be already, but I am so hopeful which is something I haven't really felt in a long time. I am starting to see a change in my tastes and how I feel after I eat. When I am binging I KNOW I am, so if nothing else I can talk myself through it - and the binges have become less frequent and lower in volume. I don't have a scale anymore, but I'm starting to notice small changes in my body. Honestly, not having a scale around is pretty freeing. I much prefer not living my life counting calories and seeing if what I did made a difference. I don't feel like I'm starving myself anymore. I don't feel bad about (most of ) what I eat. Things are looking better.
If anyone is interested in clean eating- I am by NO means an expert, but I have a tiny sliver of knowledge at this point. There are so many great blogs out there, too, that have fantastic recipes for delicious snacks and goodies that are completely clean and guilt free. Plus, you are encouraged to eat real butter. Sign me up.
I'm so glad you are finding things that work for you. I haven't made much of an effort to look into the "whole eating" thing, but I have cut back on all the processed stuff and realize that I feel so much better. I did read up about how bad my Diet Coke habit was for me so I've quit that which was super hard. You can do anything you put your mind to - it's just not always the easiest choice :)
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