Return of Anxiety
Those of you who read my blogs know that I have struggled with anxiety/depression since I was 23. For those that don't know, here's a brief history:
I woke up one day, shortly after graduating college, with a sharp pain on the right side of my head. The pain was so bad/sharp that I actually could not see for about 5-10 seconds. After the sharp pain subsided, I remember thinking, "that's weird..." and got in the shower to start my day. The sharp pains continued to randomly come, until they became a dull headache, that lasted for a few weeks. My parents took me to a neurologist where I had an MRI, only to find.....nothing. I was put on medication during the day, which included blood pressure medicine (even though I've always had low blood pressure), as well as medicine to help me sleep because I had also developed insomnia.
It wasn't until a follow up appointment when my doctor was asking me questions that we realized this headache was the start of my (now ever-present) migraines which are triggered by stress and anxiety.
My "anxiety" is actually called Adjustment Disorder. It's more than just being anxious about an upcoming event. My brain goes into a tailspin when there are a number of changes around me and I lose control. Side effects of Adjustment Disorder include anxiety and depression which can last up to 6 months or a year depending on the severity of the changes.
This past February, I was offered a new job. My family left North Carolina for the baseball season. I had to train my replacement for my old job. I traveled all over. Spencer and I started to get serious with our apartment search. Everything around me was changing and even though these changes were good, I could no longer cope.
Since then, I have had to make the decision to go back on medication to help my day-to-day. The anxiety turned to depression at some point, though I can't exactly pin-point when. This decision was particularly difficult, because a little over a year ago, I worked so hard to get off of this medication and have put my trust and life into God's hands.
I write this post not for attention or pity, but because I think there is such a stigma with depression and anxiety. If you look at me from the outside, I'm whiney. I'm complaining because I got a new job and am moving in with the most amazing man I've ever known. If you don't know what depression and anxiety are like, it's easy to judge. However, if you know, even the tiniest bit, what it is like to suffer with this, I hope you know you're not alone.
It doesn't matter how great things are from the outside, the mind is a place all its own. The mind plays tricks on you and creates a world that you are stuck in. No matter how much faith you have, no matter how much you try, sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is the biggest victory you will make in a day.....and if I have learned anything in the 4 years of this, it's that IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.
Once you open up about your anxiety/depression, you'll be surprised at how many others suffer from it. If nothing else, you'll be comforted by the number of people who just want to try to understand- even though you both know they never fully will. Once you allow people inside this trap, they'll be able to see the signs in you before you can even see them in yourself. My mom was the one who pointed out to me just how outwardly bad I had become this time around. In passing she said, "I can tell this is taking a toll on you" and it was a lightbulb, and a relief, because even though it sucks it was so obvious to everyone else- at least I no longer felt alone in it.
I'm not sure who exactly I am writing this post for- those who are suffering, those who are trying to support someone suffering, or simply for myself to get it out there. Either way, I hope this helps someone feel less alone in what they're feeling.
I'll end this by saying the thing Spencer tells me endlessly, "it's all going to be ok"
xoxoxox
I woke up one day, shortly after graduating college, with a sharp pain on the right side of my head. The pain was so bad/sharp that I actually could not see for about 5-10 seconds. After the sharp pain subsided, I remember thinking, "that's weird..." and got in the shower to start my day. The sharp pains continued to randomly come, until they became a dull headache, that lasted for a few weeks. My parents took me to a neurologist where I had an MRI, only to find.....nothing. I was put on medication during the day, which included blood pressure medicine (even though I've always had low blood pressure), as well as medicine to help me sleep because I had also developed insomnia.
It wasn't until a follow up appointment when my doctor was asking me questions that we realized this headache was the start of my (now ever-present) migraines which are triggered by stress and anxiety.
My "anxiety" is actually called Adjustment Disorder. It's more than just being anxious about an upcoming event. My brain goes into a tailspin when there are a number of changes around me and I lose control. Side effects of Adjustment Disorder include anxiety and depression which can last up to 6 months or a year depending on the severity of the changes.
This past February, I was offered a new job. My family left North Carolina for the baseball season. I had to train my replacement for my old job. I traveled all over. Spencer and I started to get serious with our apartment search. Everything around me was changing and even though these changes were good, I could no longer cope.
Since then, I have had to make the decision to go back on medication to help my day-to-day. The anxiety turned to depression at some point, though I can't exactly pin-point when. This decision was particularly difficult, because a little over a year ago, I worked so hard to get off of this medication and have put my trust and life into God's hands.
I write this post not for attention or pity, but because I think there is such a stigma with depression and anxiety. If you look at me from the outside, I'm whiney. I'm complaining because I got a new job and am moving in with the most amazing man I've ever known. If you don't know what depression and anxiety are like, it's easy to judge. However, if you know, even the tiniest bit, what it is like to suffer with this, I hope you know you're not alone.
It doesn't matter how great things are from the outside, the mind is a place all its own. The mind plays tricks on you and creates a world that you are stuck in. No matter how much faith you have, no matter how much you try, sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is the biggest victory you will make in a day.....and if I have learned anything in the 4 years of this, it's that IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.
Once you open up about your anxiety/depression, you'll be surprised at how many others suffer from it. If nothing else, you'll be comforted by the number of people who just want to try to understand- even though you both know they never fully will. Once you allow people inside this trap, they'll be able to see the signs in you before you can even see them in yourself. My mom was the one who pointed out to me just how outwardly bad I had become this time around. In passing she said, "I can tell this is taking a toll on you" and it was a lightbulb, and a relief, because even though it sucks it was so obvious to everyone else- at least I no longer felt alone in it.
I'm not sure who exactly I am writing this post for- those who are suffering, those who are trying to support someone suffering, or simply for myself to get it out there. Either way, I hope this helps someone feel less alone in what they're feeling.
I'll end this by saying the thing Spencer tells me endlessly, "it's all going to be ok"
xoxoxox
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