Intimacy (not the gross kind)
Ashley: [reaches for a BBQ chip]
Spencer: You aren't going to like that
Ashley: [makes disgusted face and chokes down the bite]
Spencer: I told you, you weren't going to like it
There was a Grey's Anatomy episode in the first season that talked about intimacy. Meredith said, "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.' It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without". For me, Meredith says it spot on. Getting close to someone is a huge risk. What if they hurt you? What if you hurt them? What if they find out that deep dark secret and think you're crazy and run away?
Thankfully, Spencer already knows my secret that I love ketchup more than I love just about anything. He also knows he is never to finish off a bottle of my Heinz ketchup without having a backup bottle in the pantry. It's pretty safe to say he knows most of my dirty laundry already (and knows how to keep me happy).
I have to say, once I opened up to the idea of intimacy with him, it's been pretty great. I mean, the man knows I spend $50/month on bagels and doesn't give me a hard time (probably because he has about a $30/month budget for baguettes but that's besides the point). I find little notes in my house that he leaves me. He now knows exactly how to load the dishwasher, and fold his towel correctly. He sees the Monica Geller in me and loves me none-the-less.
Last weekend we drove 8 hours to visit his family in Ohio. Somehow we managed not to fight in the car, and share the music (okay, he let me listen to my playlist way more than we listened to his). Prior to that visit I had ridiculous anxiety because of past experiences with an ex's family who didn't like me (and I didn't really care for them). He was more than patient with me and consistently asked what I needed to feel comfortable. Lucky for him, his family was absolutely amazing and totally normal. Not once was I called a yankee or made fun of for my education- so I'd say it was a success.
What really struck me, though, was how well he knew me without my having to tell him. If I snuck away upstairs for an hour to read, he didn't get mad or assume I didn't want to get to know his family- he just understood I need downtime. He kept my wine glass full so I would be relaxed around them (so thoughtful). On the third day we were there, he actually initiated the two of us getting out of the house to go to a grocery store and have lunch alone.
I can't explain how happy I am that I opened up to this person. This person who gets me. Who anticipates my needs without my having to ask. Who wakes up at 7:30 in the morning and reads while he lets me sleep on his arm until 9am without waking me up. Who puts my comfort and happiness above anything else.
I think it's easy to run away from intimacy. I did it for 2 years. It's easy to rely only on yourself. Do I always love having him in my space? Not always, but most of the time. Do I love having to compromise sometimes and actually let him have a say in what food we have? I guess not everyone can live on cheese pizza like me. It's not always easy to be intimate with someone, but getting a 1lb bag of jelly beans because it'll make me smile, beats the hell out of hiding out in my apartment being scared to let anyone in.
Spencer: You aren't going to like that
Ashley: [makes disgusted face and chokes down the bite]
Spencer: I told you, you weren't going to like it
There was a Grey's Anatomy episode in the first season that talked about intimacy. Meredith said, "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.' It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without". For me, Meredith says it spot on. Getting close to someone is a huge risk. What if they hurt you? What if you hurt them? What if they find out that deep dark secret and think you're crazy and run away?
Thankfully, Spencer already knows my secret that I love ketchup more than I love just about anything. He also knows he is never to finish off a bottle of my Heinz ketchup without having a backup bottle in the pantry. It's pretty safe to say he knows most of my dirty laundry already (and knows how to keep me happy).
I have to say, once I opened up to the idea of intimacy with him, it's been pretty great. I mean, the man knows I spend $50/month on bagels and doesn't give me a hard time (probably because he has about a $30/month budget for baguettes but that's besides the point). I find little notes in my house that he leaves me. He now knows exactly how to load the dishwasher, and fold his towel correctly. He sees the Monica Geller in me and loves me none-the-less.
Last weekend we drove 8 hours to visit his family in Ohio. Somehow we managed not to fight in the car, and share the music (okay, he let me listen to my playlist way more than we listened to his). Prior to that visit I had ridiculous anxiety because of past experiences with an ex's family who didn't like me (and I didn't really care for them). He was more than patient with me and consistently asked what I needed to feel comfortable. Lucky for him, his family was absolutely amazing and totally normal. Not once was I called a yankee or made fun of for my education- so I'd say it was a success.
What really struck me, though, was how well he knew me without my having to tell him. If I snuck away upstairs for an hour to read, he didn't get mad or assume I didn't want to get to know his family- he just understood I need downtime. He kept my wine glass full so I would be relaxed around them (so thoughtful). On the third day we were there, he actually initiated the two of us getting out of the house to go to a grocery store and have lunch alone.
I can't explain how happy I am that I opened up to this person. This person who gets me. Who anticipates my needs without my having to ask. Who wakes up at 7:30 in the morning and reads while he lets me sleep on his arm until 9am without waking me up. Who puts my comfort and happiness above anything else.
I think it's easy to run away from intimacy. I did it for 2 years. It's easy to rely only on yourself. Do I always love having him in my space? Not always, but most of the time. Do I love having to compromise sometimes and actually let him have a say in what food we have? I guess not everyone can live on cheese pizza like me. It's not always easy to be intimate with someone, but getting a 1lb bag of jelly beans because it'll make me smile, beats the hell out of hiding out in my apartment being scared to let anyone in.
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